Don't accessorize your wine, please

I suppose a serious wine lover can't have too many accessories for partaking of the grape, but a couple of items spotted recently in windows in Calistoga made me stop and wonder what I've been doing with my life. Clever ideas, perhaps, but are they really necessary to enjoy wine?

For total slackers, there's the wine glass holder on a stick, designed for stabbing into backyard turf or ocean sands like tent poles. Well, if you don't have to board an airplane with these and explain to the TSA that they aren't weapons, they might be useful in a drunken party situation. I found a similar product online that supports the entire wine bottle. When did just sitting the bottle on the ground at your feet (or in an ice bucket) become so passé?

A friend also alerted me to these ways to attach the glass to your person –– around the neck or strapped to a belt –– apparently freeing up your hands to gesture dramatically, swat flies, and eat standing up. There's at least one problem with these, besides looking geeky: you don't want that nicely chilled sauv blanc or chardonnay warmed by heat from your own body. Do you?

And file this under OMG: knitted hats and scarves for wine bottles. I can't get behind this one at all, particularly because on the day I spotted these it was a balmy 70 degrees.

I've never understood the compulsion to "dress" wine bottles in cozies, clothing, beads, decorative stoppers, cork cages, and all that other nonsense. Just because you paid 50 bucks for a good bottle of red doesn't mean you have to buy it a wardrobe too. Open it and enjoy it. Avoid cute.